We’re just over a week away from the 1 year mark of Lindsey “leaving”.

Lately I’ve been having more frequent moments where panic starts to creep in; its that feeling of sheer desperation of wanting to stop time again. Soon I won’t be able to say “last year” and that be the year my sister was here. Sometimes the realization that we’re getting farther and farther apart as time keeps moving on is such a blow its almost knocks the wind out of me.

I was trying to remind myself tonight that the farther apart we get here [on Earth] the closer I’m getting to her in light of eternity. That usually comforts me, but tonight it stung too.. cause the closer I get to seeing her again means I’m closer to leaving those I love here behind.

Grief is tricky like that. There truly are “2 sides to every coin”.. something I’ve said more in the past year than I ever thought I would in my lifetime.. but its true. Two feelings and realities can coexist at the same time. And I’ve never pondered life so deeply until this past year (which I’m sure is obvious if you’re still reading my rambles a year later )

Tonight I landed on this-

Instead of wishing time away, (which has its pros and cons), or wishing I could go back in time or stop time altogether (which has its own set of pros and cons) it’s best to focus on and try to stay in the ‘now’. If I’m honest, what I wouldn’t give to be with my sister again (not to end things, but I just simply miss her so freaking much). But I’m also much more aware of how much of a gift each day and moment truly is, and I want to make the most with what I get.

Grief is tricky [understatement].
Life is tricky [massive understatement].

Here’s to looking back with thankfulness and fond memories, forward with hopeful anticipation, and staying grounded and thankful in the now.