“I used to wonder how people survived losing [someone]; now I wonder how they survive without knowing God…”
-Ashleigh Nicole Wilson (YouTube)

I randomly stumbled upon a video by Ashleigh tonight on YouTube. She was sharing how she just lost her baby girl to a miscarriage. She went on to say this:

“…and I’m not just talking about trusting that I’ll see my daughter in eternity. I’m talking about the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit, on me and with me, throughout the whole thing. It was so impactful to my faith and my walk with the Lord, in ways that I will forever be grateful for.”

I will never, ever push my faith on you. Some of the people closest to me right now actually don’t share the same faith as me- and that’s okay. There’s a mutual respect there that is so precious, because that’s so rare these days. (That’s not to say that being in community with likeminded people isn’t important, because it is). But here’s the thing- I have my beliefs- they have theirs’- yet we can still be kind, supportive, and love one another.

I will, however, let it be known that my faith, in my God, is literally the glue that is and has held me together this past year since losing my sister. I said that in what I wrote for her service- it was true then, and it’s just as true today.

Psalm 55:22 says,
“Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you.”

Sustain means to strengthen or support, physically and mentally.

This has been the most difficult year of my life. I’ve been in some dark, dark places and some low, low, low places. I’ve spent more time on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night than I ever imagined, sobbing so hard that I was sick and in pain. Sounds have escaped me in the throes of mourning that literally startled me. I’ve struggled with panic attacks brought on by a single, quick thought/memory. And that’s not scratching the surface… IT’S-BEEN-HARD.

A couple months in, I drank pretty heavily for about a month every night after my kids went to bed- I so desperately just wanted to be numb and feel nothing after a certain point. Did it help? Honest answer- sometimes… but it was always short lived. I’d eventually either get sick or get to a point where the alcohol made the ache of missing her so much worse. I journaled- that helped. I talked with trusted friends and family- that helped, a lot. I cuddled my babies and spent extra, undivided time with my husband. But people didn’t always say the things my heart needed to hear most. Journaling was a good way to get my feelings out, but I often felt empty and even more depleted once it was all out. My family has helped heal my heart more than I can ever express and I am eternally grateful for them… but at the end of the day, I still really missed my sister.

Truest, most honest answer about what has helped me, THE most…

It’s Jesus.

It’s not a popular answer. It’s one that makes some people uncomfortable and decide to walk the other way. Prior to this past year, that would have hurt my feelings. Now, though- it’s a big part of why I share my story. Yes, it hurts when people walk away from your life due to differences of opinion. But I can tell you that while it does still sting when it happens, I’d rather lose people for speaking out than to keep my source of hope bottled up inside, all to myself. Even if helps just one person…

I believe with all that I am that Hope has a name. Comfort has a name. Peace has a name. Unconditional, unfathomable Love has a name.

It’s Jesus.

Life is hard.
Things won’t always be fair.
We will lose the people we love.

But we don’t have to do this thing alone.
I know Someone who I promise can help, and He so desperately wants to, if you’ll just let Him.

His name is Jesus.