There are videos that have been going around social media for some time now that I’ll admit, I’ve found comical because there are elements of truth to them.
But the more I see them and the more I really think about them, they’re actually quite sad, and not the “intended purpose” kind of sad.

I’m sure you’ve seen them..
They usually start with a mom, with tons of little thought bubbles containing all the thoughts and worries she has going on in her head all the time. Things such as; remembering doctor’s appointments, worrying about the kid’s nutrition, their emotional development, all the chores she has to do for the day, remembering all the things the family needs from the store, stressing about the overwhelming schedule the kids have this week, or the thing she has going on at work.. The list goes on and on and on.
Then it pans to the husband, “simply existing without a care in the world“.

I laugh sometimes because that *is* what inside my head sounds like sometimes.
But what’s not funny is how untrue and detrimental this way of thinking can be to a marriage or partnership.
[ALL relationships are different and I am not for one second saying there aren’t serious imbalances in relationships sometimes- BOTH sides need to put in the work and effort and I know that so often things get unbalanced and it makes things hard. So please hear my heart here.]

They may not have all of these things going through their mind- heck, they might even be totally unaware of most of things on your mental list.
But can we honestly say that we know everything that is on their mental list?
They might not be overwhelmed with what’s going on with the kid’s schedules this week, but what if inside their head looks something like this; “I have no idea how I’m going to get this workload at work under control. Am I spending enough quality time with the kids? I need to figure out how to fix that thing that’s broken at home- this could get super expensive. Do we have the money for that? I hope I can get the time off for vacation this year- I don’t want to let the family down. I wonder if my friend that lost his job is doing okay- I gotta remember to check in. There’s an accident on the commute in- will this detour make me late? I can’t be late for this meeting today.” And that list goes on and on.

It’s so easy to get resentful because our spouse doesn’t understand the pressure we’re under. We either ice them out to silently punish them for not understanding, or we lash out and things get worse. Now they have this argument and the stresses of how to fix everything for your on their plate, while still trying to manage their own “stressors”.

Bottom line?
We gotta communicate better.

I quit my job and stayed home after we had our son. Because I was here, we kind of naturally fell into different “roles”; I kept up with most things to do with the baby- keeping formula and foods stocked and bottles washed during the day and making sure I had enough diapers and wipes and making sure that he didn’t miss any doctor’s appointments and on and on.
We were losing a lot of sleep overnight at this point and I knew the hubs had a lot going on in his new position at work, so instead of talking about everything that was stressing me out, I kept it bottled up so as not to further stress him out. Even when he asked what was wrong, I wouldn’t say anything. Over time though, all this did was built resentment. I got to a place where I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. What I saw was me stressed out with the baby all day, and him coming home and loving up on and cuddling the baby until bedtime. I was so resentful that I paid almost no notice to all the things he was doing- which was a LOT. Eventually I snapped, and in all truth, I was pretty mean; I could have handled it so much better.

Not long after this, it snowed, like a lot. I was pregnant the year before so he had to shovel every time it had snowed that year. He looked outside and noticed the driveway needed to be dug out, and something in my spirit whispered “Do it for him”. I had to persist because he was more than willing to do it (even though nobody actually likes shoveling), but he finally relented, so I went out and got to work. I went out thinking it wouldn’t be too hard, but when I quickly realized it was gonna be killer cause the snow was so heavy, I found myself growing resentful again. “Why didn’t he insist on not letting me do it? Now I’m out here freezing, I’m gonna be so sore, he gets to be inside cuddling the baby!”
*Resentment can cloud our vision.*
He did insist- I just insisted harder this time.

I was listening to worship music in my ear buds and the song “It Is Well” by Kristene DiMarco came on. The chorus goes like this:
“And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.
Through it all, through it all, it is well..
Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you,
And it is well, with me.”

The song is based off an old hymn with the same name, and it was written following some traumatic events of the writer’s life. It’s based off of Psalm 46:1-3, which says “”God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble…” The writer was basically proclaiming that even though life was incredibly hard, God is still good. And our souls can be at peace knowing that He’ll work everything out for our good.

I listened to this song on repeat the entire time I was outside. And the more I listened and paid attention to the words, somethings inside of me started to shift.
“Far be it from me to not believe,
Even when my eyes can’t see,
and this mountain that’s in front of me,
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea”

Yes, my world felt so upside down, and this overwhelming stress absoultely felt like an insurmountable mountain. But I couldn’t blame Drew, cause he didn’t even know, and he TRIED to know, I just wouldn’t tell him. Sure, I wanted some extra help with certain things, but really, this was on me, cause I wasn’t even giving him a chance to help.

I determined myself to see the driveway through, entirely, so he wouldn’t have to do any of it. The more I shoveled, and the harder it got, and the more I hurt, the more glad I was that he wouldn’t have to deal with it. I wanted to do this for him now, so that he wouldn’t be the one hurting that night.

Quite some time later I finished. I went inside sore, shaky and dizzy, but it was done.
And do you know what I walked inside to?

He had the fireplace going. The baby was fed and asleep. He cleaned up the house. And he even made me soup and a sandwich. By the time I changed out of my wet clothes, he had my food all dished out, ready for me.

HE wasn’t the problem- he never was the problem.
We were new parents, trying to adjust to a new norm, all the while sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

Change didn’t happen through my harsh words to him and my attitude.
Change happened through a heart change… and a CONVERSATION.

He had no idea just how much I had on my mental plate and that I felt like I was drowning.
I had no idea he had so much going on on his mental plate and how overwhelmed he was.

Yes, responsibilities get lopsided and people get lazy.
Yes, we need to work together as a team.
But it’s unfair to assume that just because you are stressed out, they don’t have their own set of worries.
We gotta do better at communicating.

I truly believe change happens at a heart level.
And even though it’s so hard, sometimes we have to admit that we’re a part of the problem, too. Sometimes, we even are the problem.

I heard something once that went something like this:
“If you want a better relationship, fix yourself first”
Again, I know there’s no cookie cutter scenario and that this is not always the case…
But sometimes, it is.

We’d be wise to examine ourselves to see if we’re contributing to our problems.
And if we are, be humble enough to take ownership where we need to.

It’s *so* hard, but be brave and have the hard conversations.
And let’s stop assuming we are the only ones that are overwhelmed.