Tiffany Uncaged

Yesterday my daughter requested something for Christmas (her first official Christmas request, ever)… so best believe we’re going to try to get it for her!

As soon as she mentioned it, I started thinking about where we’d put it- it’s kind of big. The only logical place is her bedroom, and right now she doesn’t really have room for it. So today, I went into full purge mode to try to “rework” her room so it would fit well.

When I started this project she wasn’t here- she was out with my dad for a bit. I moved some furniture out of her room, dumped a ton of stuff on her bed, and had bins of books and toys all over her room. It was a mess, but it was an “organized mess”, and I had a plan and knew what I was going to do.

They came back unexpectedly, so everything was still out when she got here. She walked into her room and exclaimed “Mommy!! You messed up my room bad! Please clean it up for me!” I told her I was working on it to give her some more room; (I knew she’d hound me to find out what it was if I told her I was doing it because we were getting her something big for Christmas). That didn’t appease her though- girlfriend was mad that her room was so messy.

It hit me in that moment that this scenario is a lot like life with God- how often times He has something new in store for us- something big- but He has to make room in us first. I know, well, that familiar, uncomfortable “shift” that happens as things start to change- suddenly. Things feel uncomfortable, stressful, out of place… But all the while He has a plan- the “shift” is just part of the process to make room for the new thing.

My daughter’s room, to her, just looked like a giant mess… everything out of place. But all the while I had a plan to make it even better than it was before. And I know she’ll love it- no doubt; I know my daughter. Hopefully as she grows older and gets to know my character even more, she’ll have a little more trust that my plans for her are good, and that I can be trusted.

When things feel out of sorts- when we feel that uncomfortable “shift” in our lives- when we know change is on the horizon, we can rest assured that as we move into the unknown [even if we don’t understand it right now] His plans for us are good and He knows what He’s doing. He really is a good, good Father <3.

Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Matthew 7:9-11
“You parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.”

There are videos that have been going around social media for some time now that I’ll admit, I’ve found comical because there are elements of truth to them.
But the more I see them and the more I really think about them, they’re actually quite sad, and not the “intended purpose” kind of sad.

I’m sure you’ve seen them..
They usually start with a mom, with tons of little thought bubbles containing all the thoughts and worries she has going on in her head all the time. Things such as; remembering doctor’s appointments, worrying about the kid’s nutrition, their emotional development, all the chores she has to do for the day, remembering all the things the family needs from the store, stressing about the overwhelming schedule the kids have this week, or the thing she has going on at work.. The list goes on and on and on.
Then it pans to the husband, “simply existing without a care in the world“.

I laugh sometimes because that *is* what inside my head sounds like sometimes.
But what’s not funny is how untrue and detrimental this way of thinking can be to a marriage or partnership.
[ALL relationships are different and I am not for one second saying there aren’t serious imbalances in relationships sometimes- BOTH sides need to put in the work and effort and I know that so often things get unbalanced and it makes things hard. So please hear my heart here.]

They may not have all of these things going through their mind- heck, they might even be totally unaware of most of things on your mental list.
But can we honestly say that we know everything that is on their mental list?
They might not be overwhelmed with what’s going on with the kid’s schedules this week, but what if inside their head looks something like this; “I have no idea how I’m going to get this workload at work under control. Am I spending enough quality time with the kids? I need to figure out how to fix that thing that’s broken at home- this could get super expensive. Do we have the money for that? I hope I can get the time off for vacation this year- I don’t want to let the family down. I wonder if my friend that lost his job is doing okay- I gotta remember to check in. There’s an accident on the commute in- will this detour make me late? I can’t be late for this meeting today.” And that list goes on and on.

It’s so easy to get resentful because our spouse doesn’t understand the pressure we’re under. We either ice them out to silently punish them for not understanding, or we lash out and things get worse. Now they have this argument and the stresses of how to fix everything for your on their plate, while still trying to manage their own “stressors”.

Bottom line?
We gotta communicate better.

I quit my job and stayed home after we had our son. Because I was here, we kind of naturally fell into different “roles”; I kept up with most things to do with the baby- keeping formula and foods stocked and bottles washed during the day and making sure I had enough diapers and wipes and making sure that he didn’t miss any doctor’s appointments and on and on.
We were losing a lot of sleep overnight at this point and I knew the hubs had a lot going on in his new position at work, so instead of talking about everything that was stressing me out, I kept it bottled up so as not to further stress him out. Even when he asked what was wrong, I wouldn’t say anything. Over time though, all this did was built resentment. I got to a place where I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. What I saw was me stressed out with the baby all day, and him coming home and loving up on and cuddling the baby until bedtime. I was so resentful that I paid almost no notice to all the things he was doing- which was a LOT. Eventually I snapped, and in all truth, I was pretty mean; I could have handled it so much better.

Not long after this, it snowed, like a lot. I was pregnant the year before so he had to shovel every time it had snowed that year. He looked outside and noticed the driveway needed to be dug out, and something in my spirit whispered “Do it for him”. I had to persist because he was more than willing to do it (even though nobody actually likes shoveling), but he finally relented, so I went out and got to work. I went out thinking it wouldn’t be too hard, but when I quickly realized it was gonna be killer cause the snow was so heavy, I found myself growing resentful again. “Why didn’t he insist on not letting me do it? Now I’m out here freezing, I’m gonna be so sore, he gets to be inside cuddling the baby!”
*Resentment can cloud our vision.*
He did insist- I just insisted harder this time.

I was listening to worship music in my ear buds and the song “It Is Well” by Kristene DiMarco came on. The chorus goes like this:
“And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.
Through it all, through it all, it is well..
Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you,
And it is well, with me.”

The song is based off an old hymn with the same name, and it was written following some traumatic events of the writer’s life. It’s based off of Psalm 46:1-3, which says “”God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble…” The writer was basically proclaiming that even though life was incredibly hard, God is still good. And our souls can be at peace knowing that He’ll work everything out for our good.

I listened to this song on repeat the entire time I was outside. And the more I listened and paid attention to the words, somethings inside of me started to shift.
“Far be it from me to not believe,
Even when my eyes can’t see,
and this mountain that’s in front of me,
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea”

Yes, my world felt so upside down, and this overwhelming stress absoultely felt like an insurmountable mountain. But I couldn’t blame Drew, cause he didn’t even know, and he TRIED to know, I just wouldn’t tell him. Sure, I wanted some extra help with certain things, but really, this was on me, cause I wasn’t even giving him a chance to help.

I determined myself to see the driveway through, entirely, so he wouldn’t have to do any of it. The more I shoveled, and the harder it got, and the more I hurt, the more glad I was that he wouldn’t have to deal with it. I wanted to do this for him now, so that he wouldn’t be the one hurting that night.

Quite some time later I finished. I went inside sore, shaky and dizzy, but it was done.
And do you know what I walked inside to?

He had the fireplace going. The baby was fed and asleep. He cleaned up the house. And he even made me soup and a sandwich. By the time I changed out of my wet clothes, he had my food all dished out, ready for me.

HE wasn’t the problem- he never was the problem.
We were new parents, trying to adjust to a new norm, all the while sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

Change didn’t happen through my harsh words to him and my attitude.
Change happened through a heart change… and a CONVERSATION.

He had no idea just how much I had on my mental plate and that I felt like I was drowning.
I had no idea he had so much going on on his mental plate and how overwhelmed he was.

Yes, responsibilities get lopsided and people get lazy.
Yes, we need to work together as a team.
But it’s unfair to assume that just because you are stressed out, they don’t have their own set of worries.
We gotta do better at communicating.

I truly believe change happens at a heart level.
And even though it’s so hard, sometimes we have to admit that we’re a part of the problem, too. Sometimes, we even are the problem.

I heard something once that went something like this:
“If you want a better relationship, fix yourself first”
Again, I know there’s no cookie cutter scenario and that this is not always the case…
But sometimes, it is.

We’d be wise to examine ourselves to see if we’re contributing to our problems.
And if we are, be humble enough to take ownership where we need to.

It’s *so* hard, but be brave and have the hard conversations.
And let’s stop assuming we are the only ones that are overwhelmed.

My girl and I went out for breakfast this morning- something we haven’t done, maybe ever. She was so excited to be out, and I was so excited to spend some special one on one time with her. We sat down and ordered our drinks, then a bit later our food, and then we settled in to wait for our waitress to bring our food.

We drew pictures, chatted, sipped our drinks, watched some YouTube, played with all the condiments on our tables, watched all the new people come in and sit down, and other people leave. We chilled for quite a while and then I realized it had been quite a while since we ordered our food, and little miss was starting to get restless. I looked at my watch- 20 minutes. I started looking around to try to make eye contact with our waitress. She was slowly making her way to each table now- the restaurant was far less crowded than it was when we first sat down. I watched the couple seated in front of us get frustrated that she brought them the wrong kind of bacon, and her walk back to get it fixed. She then brought them regular coffee instead of decaf, so she had to go back and switch that too. I watched her fix the menus that were in a messy pile near the kitchen. I watched her looking over a pile of orders for a bit, and then she went into the bathroom for quite some time. In her absence, the other waitress in our area was having to go around to our waitress’ tables to help her customers. I looked at my watch again and we were pushing 40 minutes waiting for our food. I always tip, but by this point I was so frustrated for having to wait for so long that I Googled the prices of our drinks- I had every intention of leaving money on the table for them and just leaving. This wait was insane, and she never even came back to our table once to check on us since we had ordered: our waitress didn’t deserve a tip by this point!!

Last week in my Bible study, they talked about grace vs. mercy. It said “we often use those words interchangeably, but they actually mean very different things…”

*Mercy is when you don’t get what you deserve.
“For fallen humanity, we all deserve hell. We deserve nothing but punishment. The fact that we’re breathing right now is God’s mercy towards us. Just like He showed mercy toward Adam and Eve when they sinned in the garden, He hasn’t given us the immediate death we deserve for our rebellion.”
*Grace is when you get what you don’t deserve. It’s everything over and above not being annihilated. It’s the way food tastes delicious, it’s the way music brings us joy, and mostly, it’s the way we get to enter into a relationship with God despite our wickedness.”

I highlighted that, then kind of glossed over it. I’ve heard those two words most of my life and they didn’t feel like new concepts I needed to take too serious a note of.

This morning, though, while silently fuming over how long our food was taking, sitting next to a two year old who was just as over the wait as I was, just about ready to get up and leave and not tip our waitress, God dropped this concept of Grace vs. Mercy right into my lap.

It’s true, service was absolutely terrible and as such, she technically didn’t deserve a good tip. But when I remembered what I’d read, I paused to try to see things differently. The couple in front of us wasn’t necessarily rude, but they did need her attention a good bit. There were things that needed to be tidied in between serving customers. She wasn’t the one making the food- she had to wait just like the other servers. Maybe she was in the bathroom for so long cause she wasn’t feeling well; maybe she was stressed out; maybe she just lost someone she loves and is trying her best to cope and put on a good face in public. Who knows. And that’s exactly the point: I have no idea what is going on in that girl’s life. She came to work, so she obviously wants to get paid- she probably isn’t doing things on purpose that would cause her to earn less money.

If you really think about the truth of those definitions and explanations, [grace and mercy], even though we hear them so frequently, they really are heavy concepts…

I’m about to “say” something kind of harsh, so I pray (seriously, I’m praying about it right now) that you hear my heart in this, because I am legitimately speaking to myself as well.

As followers of Christ, we know that the greatest commandment is this:
“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is equally important: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” -Matthew 22:37-39

It can be easy to show kindness and grace and mercy when we see people hurting and in pain. It’s another thing entirely when we feel we are being treated unfairly and deserve something that we aren’t getting. Yes, as a customer of that restaurant, I “deserved” to have a good experience and to be served well and in a timely manner. But my server is a human- and humans have feelings and emotions and good days and bad days just like me. If I truly desire to be Jesus to people and represent Him well- how am I treating people when they don’t “deserve” grace and mercy? And if we want to get real deep here, who the heck am I to decide who to extend His grace and mercy to and who not to?

By no means are we expected to be perfect- if we were, we wouldn’t need Him. But we are expected to carry Him with us and extend His love to those around us. FO SHO that’s difficult sometimes- and do not read this and for one second think that I do this perfectly. Again, if you’re reading this you likely already know me and know for a fact that I am indeed, human, with very, very real emotions sometimes lol. But I’m also a human that loves the Lord- a human who has found my joy and hope and peace and so much more in Him, and deep down, I want so badly to be able to offer that to others. And my deepest prayer is that even through one small gesture, they can come to know that source of help for themselves.

This morning, I tipped my waitress what I didn’t “feel” she deserved. And I prayed (silently) for her that she would have a better day and that others would be inclined to show her grace and mercy as well. But I didn’t do it because I, Tiffany, was trying to be nice. No… I did it because I felt the Lord nudge me to extend grace and mercy to her, just as He does for me… every single day of my life. And I was immediately humbled.

I exhort you to look for opportunities to extend grace and mercy, especially when you don’t feel it’s deserved. [Trust me when I say, I’m saying this to myself as well. It wasn’t easy to leave that tip today]

If we really want to see a change in this word, especially in how people are treating others…. let it start with us.