I’m currently binging “The Crown” on Netflix. While I love the show, if I’m honest, I’ve also been using it as a distraction while we get closer to the day my sister left.

The episode I just watched focused on the Queen Elizabeth’s younger sister, Margaret. She was in a difficult season of life, and made an unwise decision that almost ended her life. The Queen goes to visit her to check on her, and this is part of their exchange as she’s about to leave:

Elizabeth: “For the record, I think there are many things you’re good at.”
Margaret: “Name one that’s actually meaningful.”
Elizabeth: “Being a sister.”
Margaret: “No need to humor me.”
Elizabeth: “I’m not. Of all the people everywhere, you are the closest and most important to me. And if by doing [this] you wanted to let me imagine what life would be like without you… you have succeeded. {crying} It would be unbearable.”
Margaret: {touched and teary eyed} “Then we must both carry on.”

This hit me hard. What I’m about to say almost feels like a betrayal to admit out loud, and I hesitated sharing this publicly- but it so perfectly articulates the complex thoughts and feelings I’ve had swirling around my head and heart for this past [almost] year.

From the moment we lost her, I kept saying, “I feel like I lost my other half. My right side literally feels like it’s been amputated.” It was the most painful and strangest sensation. My whole life [since I was 3 and could recollect memories] it’s always been “Tiffany & Lindsey”. She was a “built in” best friend and confidante. Even into adulthood, I could always count on Lindsey to show up when I needed someone, even if it was just riding along to Walmart with me because I didn’t want to go alone.

When she left, I couldn’t fathom going on without her. We were a unit. I didn’t want to die… I had too much to live for. But I truly couldn’t comprehend how I was going to be “Tiffany without Lindsey”. In one of my counselling sessions, I mentioned this to my therapist… how I couldn’t seem to shake that it felt wrong to still be here without her…
Me: “because we belong together”, I told her.
She stopped me and asked me why I’d said that.
Me: “She’s my SISTER!!”
Therapist: “I know she’s your sister and you two were close, but I talk to siblings all the time, and it’s not common to hear one say they feel like they “belong together”- you and your sister are [individuals].
(My therapist is amazing, so don’t read that as a knock on her at all!)

Her comment to me was so profound, and I’ll go so far as to say divine, because it was an answer to big prayers I had been praying. My whole life, even though Lindz and I obviously led separate lives, I always unknowingly saw us as a unit… not just Tiffany, but “Tiff & Lindz”. Her words “You are individuals” have helped carry me through this past year, quite literally. For whatever reason, that we may never fully understand this side of Heaven, Lindsey is now free of her “earth suit”… she doesn’t need it anymore where she is. She’s made it Home. And I, for whatever reason, am still here. I believe with all my heart that Lindsey now fully understands ALL things regarding every aspect of her existence- every struggle, every heartbreak, the true intentions and feelings of all who love her…everything.. and she’s at peace.. eternally. Therefore, if Lindsey understands it all and is *truly* okay, then I don’t have to constantly try to make sense of it all- we are, in fact, individuals. We didn’t know every single detail of each other’s lives when she was here, so I don’t have to try to know every single one of them now. She’s at peace, she’s okay, and if I can’t have her here, I have to accept that that’s enough.

Elizabeth’s words to her sister resonate so deeply with me:
“Of all the people everywhere, you are the closest and most important to me.”

Here’s why.

Having my sister to be in a “unit” with is one of the greatest privileges of my life, and even though she isn’t physically here anymore, my words are no less true. Built in bestie, ride or die, peanut butter to my jelly… (she would literally be rolling her eyes right now calling me lame for saying this about us haha)

At it’s core, if I’m honest.. [and this is where it feels a bit like betrayal, but I pray my people know it in their bones that my love for them is endless; I’m just trying to process this out] Lindsey really was the closest to me, and maybe even, at times, most important.
You *dread*, but regretfully expect to outlive your parents- we were supposed to do that together.
My husband is the absolute other half of my soul, but [and I BEG you to hear my heart here- we went into this marriage saying that divorce was never an option and it’s never even been a fleeting thought and truly never will be] but you hear of marriages ending and people falling out of love- my sister was blood, so she couldn’t really leave me even if she wanted to.
My children are my world- but watching them grow up and interact with each other always brings back fond memories of my childhood, and Lindsey was one of the biggest parts of those memories that felt like {home}.
My best friend would die for me and vise versa, but no one has your back like your sister [and Lil, you know I love you].

So you see… when Lindsey left, I lost a big part of me; in hindsight it makes total sense that I’d feel like half of me was missing.

I don’t have Lindsey here anymore, and while I loathe that, as an individual, I’m finding I HAVE to look for the good in all of this wherever I can. If Lindsey’s at peace, I know she would want me to be too, as much as is possible earthside. There may be a huge Lindsey size void that will forever now be a part of who I am that no one can ever fill, but I know in my heart of hearts that my Creator didn’t take her home to be mean to me. The places that hurt the most- the areas of lack I now have due to her absence- He wants to be the balm that soothes those wounds. I believe His desire for me is to have a thriving marriage; a wonderful, full relationship with my parents; immense love and joy in the parenting of my children; the kind of friends that step in to fill voids, but never in a way as to replace my sister- they respect that and I am forever grateful.

Elizabeth said to her little sister, “a life without you would be unbearable”.
And I believe Lindz would echo Margaret’s words to me, now..
“Then we must both carry on”.